As Luck Would Have It

Ate Chinese Food tonight with my hannah's hope (IF support group) ladies and I am LOVING my fortune...



Maybe the 4th time will be the charm for us? I know the saying is the 3rd time...but I was always kind of a late bloomer.

Welcome BMW

What a weekend. I had a garage sale, went to hospital as yet another nephew was born, got only 4 1/2 hours sleep, went to church, went to the Redskins game, cooked a lovely dinner of rolled and stuffed flank stank for some guests. And now I'm pooped...and the work week for me is just beginning. (My work week starts on Tuesdays for those of you who don't know me.)

I handled the new baby well I think. My sister in law really is a sweetheart and she and her husband started trying the same time as us. They got pregnant the 1st time right after I did, and she had a m/c at 11 weeks just shortly after my 1st one. It then took them another year to get pregnant. It's great to see it working out for someone on the other side, and the baby sure is a cutie. His new initals are "BMW" - his nickname will be Beemer. Adorable. I teared up just a tad at one point, but was able to stop the flow thankfully. That was not my moment to steal with everyone thinking "oh no, poor Debby...hope she's handling this ok". It was their moment as it rightly should be, so instead I put on a brave face and was truly happy for the new parents. I just really hope our turn is soon.

In an update on our "turn", today fertility friend is telling me "if you conceived this cycle, your due date would be June 10th" - blah, blah, blah. I'm really not liking being back in the trying game. My 2ww is 1/2 way over and of course just to mess with my head, I had ever so slight spotting yesterday on day 6 to just raise that hope in me that it could be implantation. To not be so aware of all the stupid little things would be great. Ignorance is bliss..unfortunately, I am far from an ignoramus on all this stuff now. And it's not like you can go back and forget the things you've learned.

So for now...if I can just hold off to day 12 to test, I'll feel a sense of accomplishment. I know, I know - day 12 is still early. But, chances are I'll really start at day 10. So day 12 is actually a good goal. I get a little OCD in the late stages of the cycle. I know I'm not alone in this compulsion, which is nice. It's no fun to be a freak on your own. :-)

Not gonna do it!

I can be quite stubborn at times. It reared it's head today as I once again discovered my fertility friend subscription is expiring.

Since I began on ff in July of last year, I've just been getting the 3 month subscriptions at 16.95 each. My logic has always been, "I'll get pregnant soon and won't need it anymore". Well, that normally proves to be true, but then I have a loss and have to renew the stupid thing anyway.

So every three months like clockwork I'm reminded that fertility is just not my thing and that I need to punch in my credit card digits yet again. I keep telling myself that next time I'll go ahead and shell out the extra 28 bucks for the year long subscription. But, alas, when the opportunity came up today I just couldn't do it. I stuck to my stubborn guns and just got the 3 month subscription. Yes, I am hoping that my theory on not needing it anymore proves to be true. No, I do not believe this will really happen, but I have to hope for the best. Even if it's a long shot.

Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.

What does normal mean anyway?

The follow up appt. with the RE on Wednesday went well. After reviewing all of our bloodwork, she told us that everything came back perfectly normal. No red flags, my egg quality is good, I do not have PCOS, our chromosomes are normal, etc., etc., I have now had EVERY single test possible done to me. There doesn't seem to be anything left. She gave us options of next steps. The plan from here is to start clomid with the start of my next cycle. Which the way my cycles go, should be mid to end of October.

The wierd thing is I reacted to this "good" news just as if it had been bad really. I was in a funk about it that day, and ended up doing retail therapy at banana republic. How silly that I'm bummed to be normal.

Although part of me is relieved to have no serious things wrong with either of us, I hate that there are still no answers. I feel like I'm at a dead end...and now I have to turn around and go all the way back to the beginning where I was just as lost as I am now. Sigh.

All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing

For anyone going through IF....or anything that just stinks really, here's a reminder to just keep breathing. This is the best song EVER and has been my song since going to see Ingrid Michaelson in concert this summer with Sunny & LJ. It was unavailable for purchase until today and I'm so excited to finally have it on my ipod! (It's on the Grey's Anatomy Volume 3 CD) Up to this point I've had to listen to it on my myspace page, which is kind of limiting since it involves a computer.

The lyrics are below, and go to www.myspace.com/ingridmichaelson to listen to the song. Or...just spend the 99 cents on itunes for it - trust me it's worth it. I'd post the audio in this blog - but I'm not tech savy enough to figure that one out.

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Aloha! After 7 days and nights there, 10 hours on the plane there and back, 12 episodes of the 1st season of 24 viewed on the video ipod, countless tropical drinks by the pool and great wine with dinner, I am back from Hawaii.

And now, reality hits. I am now less than 48 hours away from my follow-up with our new RE to go over all of our test results. I am excited in an odd way about the results. I almost want there to be something there so I can no what's going on. Although I want it to be something "small", not big. Something that is easily fixable. Like some easy switch needs to be flipped on and suddenly all will be perfect in my fertility existence. Odds of this being the case - slim to none. But it is my hope.

Now, if tests come up with absolutely nothing I have no idea where to go from there. I don't look forward to another pregnancy without answers that will end with another loss. I just can't go there. At least not in my mind yet. So for now I wait just a short while to know a little more and hopefully have a game plan to share.

Another addition to my daily routine beginning tomorrow is my friend the thermometer. I haven't temped since before my last pregnancy - so I've had a nice 6 month break. I must say it's been nice not having to overanalyze the spikes and dips and do the timed BD. But alas, it is time. And I'm as ready as I'll ever be to start all the trying again. So here we go...

The Consolation Prize

My mother in law was once on "The Price is Right" - she got called down to the contestant row, but never made it through to play one of the games. Just for playing she received a consolation prize - 1 years supply of some sort of sausage. Kind of sucks compared to the winnebagos, bedroom sets and trips offered in the showcase.

Most of the time consolation prizes suck - thanks for playing, but go home with this crappy prize, or nothing at all. If the fertility ride were a game show, I've certainly not reached the level where I get to play the game. I've been called down to bid on an item (pregnancy), but never won a game (a healthy pregnancy) and certainly never won the showcase showdown (a baby). But right now, just for being a player, I feel I've received a great consolation prize.

I'm blogging right now from Hawaii with the husband as we celebrate our 5th anniversary. This also marks our 2nd anniversary of "trying". If we had a succesful 1st pregnancy, we would have a baby almost a year old, and we wouldn't be here soaking up a good tan. If we had a successful 2nd pregnancy, we would have a 2 1/2 month old and we wouldn't be here enjoying the beautiful sunsets. If we had a successful 3rd pregnancy, I would be in my 3rd trimester, and we would instead of enjoying the pacific, probably be looking at the atlantic like in so many other past vacastions. Instead, I'm here. And you know what, I'm loving it. And just for now, this consolation prize, feels like first place. This week I am a winner.