Monday, August 27, 2007

Becoming Jane....Becoming Me

I recently saw the movie Becoming Jane. I must say the movie left me thoroughly depressed and my mind has been thinking about Jane Austen's life ever since.

The basic premise of the movie is that Jane finds true love, and through a serious of events, they are not meant to be and do not end up together. (Sorry for the spoiler there for anyone who hasn't seen it). In fact, she ends up alone and dies never having been married at the age of 41. Yet, she gave us some of the most fabulous books in existence with some of the most classic love stories. Pride & Prejudice has been one of my favorites since I first read it in high school, and I recently read Persuasion for the first time. What a wonderfully written story about the situation of waiting. She certainly was familiar with the subject.

My questions is this - had she really experienced happiness and fulfillment in love, could she have written these wonderful stories? I expect the answer is no. Her sorrow and emptiness are what propelled her to be such an excellent author. What she could not experience in life, she experienced on the written page.

Her life has me pondering my own lack of fulfillment. Jane Austen's life was defined by her LACK of what she most desired, and she birthed great things out of it. If I never get what I desire, will I still be able to have a full life that brings about good things? Will I be able to be BETTER for not have having had children if that is my fate?

I may be thinking too deeply here....and I do truly believe good things will come for me and Bubba and we will have a family one day. But, I do believe in a higher purpose and that God knows what He's doing all the time. And maybe, just maybe, this journey of becoming is necessary in order for Him to do amazing things through me. What could these amazing things be? I have no clue. But, I do like to think that there is a rainbow on the other side of this journey - even if it's not all the beautiful colors I'm hoping and praying for.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

My Journey of Expectations & Disappointments

I began working on writing out my whole story a few days back and I just can't do it. I can't write all the details and emotions down without feeling too overwhelmed. So since I am a lists girl, it seemed less threatening for some reason to list this out in this format with dates and events. If I can just list it out in a factual way, with abbreviations and not full words, I feel like it won't hurt as bad. Like I won't have to relive it as I tell it. So here it is:

--June 05 - Go off birth control

--September 05 - start "trying"

--February 5 2006 - Positive HPT - Pregnancy # 1 begins

--February 28 06 - 1st u/s - See heartbeat at 7w 2d

--March 19 06 - Slight spotting

--March 23 06 - u/s shows no heartbeat

--March 27 06 - D & C #1 --June 7 06 - Finally get 1st cycle induced with progesterone

--July 06 - begin charting using fertility friend

--October 10 06 - positive home pregnancy test confirmed by blood test - Pregnancy # 2 begins
--October 15 06 - WORST DAY EVER - Due date of angel #1, also date of 2nd miscarriage. I begin bleeding heavily and pregnancy #2 is over before it's really even begun

--January 07 - Begin preliminary infertility testing. All tests come back normal.

--March 23 07 - On year "anniversary" of m/c #1 have positive home pregancy test
confirmed by blood test. Pregnancy #3 begins. Baby aspirin and progesterone begin daily.

--April 18 07 - Go in for first u/s at 7w3d and see heartbeat, but baby is only measuring at 5w6d.

--April 25 07 - Worst fears confirmed. Go for follow up u/s and heartbeat has stopped and pregnancy # 3 is over.

--April 26 07 - D & C # 2 (trisomy 16 deemed cause after 6 months of waiting for results)

--May 29 07 - Get first cycle back. Don't begin charting - decide to take some time off from trying for healing and sanity.

--June 21 07 - Due date of angel #2

--August 7 07 - First appt with RE

--September 29 07 - Positive we go again

--October 5 07 - First hcg level is 1436 at 17 dpo

--October 18 07 - heartbeat was 122 bpm and baby measuring at 6w4d :-)

--November 1 07 - heartbeat was 162 bpm and baby measuring 8w4d - graduate from RE back to OB

--November 14 07 - 10 week u/s - 163 bpm heartbeat and measuring right on at 10w1d - woohoo!

--November 30 07 -12 1/2 week u/s was great and the down's syndrome testing was negative.

--December 2 07 - Due date of angel #3

--January 8 08 - Found out it's a boy

--May 31 08 - Grayson arrived early at 38 1/2 weeks and stays in NICU for 9 nights before heading home

--November 09 - Find out we are pregnant again; and so far so good! God is good!

It's 5 you know where your period is?

So to complete this next round of testing I am supposed to get my FSH levels checked on CD 3. So, my nurse explains all that stuff to me about CD 1 being the day full flow starts before 5 p.m. I have been spotting and cramping since Tuesday knowing that AF is on her way and should arrive at any moment. So today at exactly 5 p.m., she decides to show. Ha! So does that make today day 1 or tomorrow day 1? Why can't I just be NORMAL! I had a good laugh to myself at my luck on this one. Seriously...who else does this happen to?!

Friday, August 24, 2007

Vacation Update

So Hurricane Dean did manage to ruin my Cancun vacation. I emailed the concierge at the hotel down there about damages, and here is what he wrote back...way too funny not to share:

Thank you for using the Marriott Virtual Concierge Service. We have received your request for extra towels upon your arrival. Regarding your question about the hotel status let me inform you that everithing if fine, the restaurants are operating normally, except that the beach is gone.

Hmmm....did you catch that last sentence there - everything is normal except, oh yeah, this 1 minor thing about the beach having disappeared!! Me and Bubba laughed so hard when we read this! So needless to say, we have made other plans for our vacation this year. And I'm kind of glad for the way all this worked out. Our 5th anniversary will be celebrated while we're away, which means it is the 2 year anniversary of our ttc and our journey of loss. It has been the longest most draining 2 years of my life, needless to say. So, I need to go some place seriously GOOD. After much travel web surfing we have decided to go to HAWAII. I AM SO DANG EXCITED! We've decided to cash in all of those reward points and frequent flier miles that we're saving for who know when and use them to go over the country, across the pacific to the Big Island. I've never been, and other than the crazy long flight, I know it's going to be fabulous.

Who knew this hurricane could end up being a good thing?

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


I just turned 28. I rationally know that I am still a spry young thing, but a big part of me feels ancient. I feel like I should have accomplished more in life by now. Especially in the baby department. Growing up I always thought I'd start the kid thing young and be a young mom...just like the one I had. Back then I couldn't have imagined be 28 and still childless, but plans shift as life takes it's course. By the time my mom was 28 she had a 9 year old, 7 year old and 3 year old. My oldest sister at 28 had a 4 year old and 6 year old. By the time my younger sister is 28 she will have a 7 year old and a 5 year old...and probably a younger sibling added to the crew. I've had to learn to do my best at not comparing in this department and not to think about things this way, but it's tough not too. This year while I'm 28 (and in my 29th year of life - ugh!), I've decided to write down some goals. For the most part things that I CAN control, but a few things will be hopes and dreams of things NOT in my control, that I'm praying for. This list is pretty random and dull, but I need to write all this stuff down just for my own benefit. And these are in no particular order. Kind of a stream of consciousness thing going on here. Feel free to skip the reading of this one all together.

1 - Have a healthy baby. This goes without saying that my #1 goal for the year is to not only get pregnant, but stay pregnant and know the joys that come when I hold him or her in my arms for the first time. I will settle for being far into a pregnancy that is sticking by the time I turn 29. I'm not too picky here, I just want good things for me and Bubba.

2 - Par a hole. I've been trying to learn the game of golf for 7 years now, and so far the only thing I've perfected is the cute clothes and shoes. This year, I want to play more than 3 times and I want to genuinely par a hole without fudging it.

3 - Master an instrument. I have a habit of starting things and getting eh at them and moving on. First the piano and now the baritone. I am getting the itch to try out a new instrument, but I really need to get good on one of these other ones first.

4 - Be content with my figure. It just gets so old trying to lose weight, fit into clothes and all that stuff. Why is it that we women let this consume us!? I want to reprogram my brain to feel good about myself, whether I'm up 10 pounds, down 10 pounds in a size 2 or a size 8. What the crap is it all going to matter in the long run anyway?

5 - Floss regularly. Should be an easy one but I never seem to want to do it. Too much effort after brushing my teeth. I'd like to please my dental hygienist just once in my lifetime. This may be the year.

6 - Finish house stuff. Been living here for over 2 years now. Only have 1 room painted and am still missing curtains on a few windows. Shame on me. These things will get done.

7 - Visit at least 2 foreign countries I've never been. Right now it's looking like Holland and Belgium are going to be on the list. Kind of random selections, but they are lovely add ons to a trip to Paris that Bubba says he'll do with me this year. This is HUGE since he always said he'd never go to france because of their politics.

8 - Take advantage of the area in which I live. I live just a short drive or train ride from our nations capital and don't take advantage of all the fabulous museums and history that are out there for me to discover. This is the year to expand my horizons.

9 - Go see the Nutcracker Ballet at Christmastime. I've always thought this would be a perfect way to celebrate the holidays. I have plans already to hit this in December when it comes our way.

10 - Be that person that sends cards for every occasion. I have a huge pile of greeting cards for birthdays, thank yous, encouragement, congrats and more that I never send. I am going to stay on top of dates and send written correspondence, not just an e-card for special occasions.

11 - Be a better wife. This one is a hard one, because I seriously think I rock as a wife. I clean, do laundry, offer to cook even though it's not wanted, give up the sex whenever asked, etc., ad naseum. But....pride cometh before the fall, right? I know there are ways to continue to be a better helpmeet to Bubba and I'd like to find them. I'm sure he could list many things, but I'm not stupid enough to ask him - ha!

12 - Really study my Bible. Not just read it. Dig deep into it. I've scratched the surface of this with my early morning small group, but must admit I don't always put in the time I should on this. More often than not I'm playing catch up because I've failed to do what I should be doing every day. The sad thing is I always get SO much of my study times and always walk away feeling blessed for the special moments with God. Why then is it so hard to keep that time sacred?

13 - Take a class towards a graduate degree. I'm not yet saying I think I'll get my Master's, but I really want to take at least one class to explore the idea and see what areas of study I may be interested in. A big regret I have is not going straight into a graduate program after undergrad was done.

14 - Take more pictures. I tend to bring my camera with me places and then never remove it from my bag to capture memories.

15 - Organize photo library. I have boxes of photos ready to go in albums or frames, as well as digital photos that need to have hard copies made. A large undertaking that overwhelms me, but little by little I need to conquer this one.

16 - Expand my reading horizons. I love, love, love to read. It's that escape thing again that is so fabulous. But, I need to expand to topics I don't know about and add some non-fiction in the mix and read more classic literature, not just smut. Please offer me your suggestions to add to the queue.

17 - Speaking of queues, I need to actually watch the movies in my Netflix queue. I have 3 movies out right now. One since April 26th, the 2nd since May 15th and the last since June 28th. What a waste of money!

18 - Say "NO" more often. I have a bad habit of saying yes to everything that comes my way. I hate to miss anything or be left out. But, my life sometimes ends up so cluttered that I can't even breathe or think. Some things are going to have to give for my emotional and mental health.

19 - Win the lottery. have to play to win and I don't. And I probably won't start, but it would be really cool to win. Maybe I'll settle for big winnings at the blackjack table.

20 - Get a tattoo. I've been talking about this one since the day I turned 18. I just could never decide on anything that would be so permanent on my body. I'm 99% sure I will do this during the next year. It'll be something with meaning and memory of what we've lost over the past months. Probably something with angels wings. It'll go somewhere that most will never see, but I will and it will have deep meaning every time I see it.

21 - Figure out what to do with past pregnancy paraphernalia. This is a tough one. I have ultrasound pics for 2 out of my 3 pregnancies on my fridge. I can't seem to take them down even though I know I should. It makes people uncomfortable when they come to my house and I know these pictures need a better resting place. I just haven't figured out where to put them. I also have an array of positive pee sticks floating around in a basket in my bathroom. Two or three from each pregnancy. I for some morbid reason can't seem to part with them. I have some ideas that involve possible burning, burying or rituals, but alas, they still stay in that darn basket for me to see every day as I get ready. I know these 2 things here seem like small things, but this is probably going to be my hardest goal to conquer. I'm sure these things will be blog topic all their own one day.

22 - Use stockpiled gift cards. I have an amazing stack of unused gift cards just laying around. I haven't used them for a multitude of reasons from forgetting them when I go out, wanting to save them for something special or because they were given to me by someone who didn't know my tastes therefore, I don't go to the place and don't use the card. But...this year I am going to use every single last one...even it it only has $2 on it!

23 - Take dance lessons. Bubba and I have been talking about this one since before we were married and gosh darn it, this year we're going to do it! We want to learn all those old, classic dances and be that fun couple on the dance floor that can tango, swing, waltz, etc., So this winter in his down time we're going to finally do this one.

24 - Get a bikini wax. This one has always scared me just a little. I get my eyebrows waxed regularly but that doens't involve wearing a paper thong and having complete stranger put hot wax on my na-na. But...the time has come to give this one a shot. Maybe soon before our trip to Cancun? We'll see....

25 - Run a half marathon. I ran cross country in high school. I had a love/hate relationship with it. I hated it while I was doing it, but LOVED how I felt afterwards. And something about the crisp fall weather each year, always makes me want to start running again. I've done it off and on in the past 15 years, and I'd love to be on an ON again. I've actually gone out for runs a few times in the past weeks and it's been lovely. I have always wanted to run a 1/2 marathon just to say I did it. There is one at disney world in January that I think would be a lovely one to do. All I have to do now is start training.

26 - Stop living my life by "what if i get pregnant". The past 2+ years it has been impossible to plan anything long term. I live in what if's and therefore don't plan anything fabulous. Because of this I've missed out on cool trips, taking classes, training for a marathon and more. I'm not gonna do this anymore! I'm gonna plan fabulous things, and if a trip is planned, maybe purchase trip insurance just in case ;-). See! I can't even really plan without thinking of it! ARGH!

27 - Learn grammar rules. It's just sad to go through all of elementary, jr. high and high school and then college and still not know some grammar basics. I always get hung up on where apostrophe's go, possessive rules, and all those exceptions to rules, comma usage, etc., etc,. I would like to learn these and retain this info for the improvment of myself.

28 - Not beat myself up if I do none of these things this year. Inevitably a third of these will get checked off, a third will get 1/2 way done then never completed and the last third won't even be touched. But, I will not be hard on myself if I don't accomplish these things because LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

Monday, August 20, 2007


Here comes Hurrican Dean....heading to Cancun....where Bubba and I are supposed to go in less than 2 weeks. That is if our hotel is left standing. I am SO not pleased!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

Coming Attractions

I LOVE movies. Love the experience of going getting my popcorn and soda and having a couple hours of sweet escape. One of my favorite parts of the movie going experience is the previews of movies to come. I get so excited about a good comedy, a good romance or a good creepy, scary movie. Since I do not have anything concrete to blog right now, I thought I'd give you my list of coming attractions. I have so many blogs floating in my brain or 1/2 written and saved in my dashboard. They are coming, but just aren't quite there yet. You know how that goes. are blog topics to come:

1 - Jane Austen
2 - 28 things to do while I'm 28 (being as I just celebrated my b'day yesterday)
3 - Annoying mannerisms I'm discovering I have
4 - My entire baby lusting story in a nutshell for readers who don't know me

For now, I leave you with a movie preview and recommendation. On Saturday Bubba and I went to see the movie "Death at a Funeral". It was fabulously hilarious. Any movie that combines british accents, dark humor, crazy family dynamics, accidentally ingested hallucinogenic drugs and a gay midget is a must see.

Click here to view on you tube.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

I'd rather write a paper

Given the choice in school between taking a test or writing a paper, I'll take the paper every time. I hate tests. I hate studying. I hate taking them. I hate waiting to find out my score. Now papers on the other hand, I always loved. Give me a topic and some time and I like to research, dig in and put down my thoughts on the subject. With papers, what you put in is what you get out. You put in time and effort and it pays off with a good grade. Tests are not always as clear cut. Time and effort don't always equal the result you were hoping for.

Fertility tests are no fun for this same reason. We've put in the time and the effort over the past 2+ years. Time has been spent charting ovulation, going to doctor's appointments, being pregnant, not being pregnant, crying. Effort has been put forth to point of exhaustion. The constant effort of having to have planned sex - so no fun as anyone who's "tried" for any length of time knows. Effort to just get through the motions of life during this crazy ride of baby dreaming. I'm doing the work....I'm not a slacker!! (any "what about bob" fans out there?) But despite my best "A" student efforts and time, the tests are just out of my control. Time and effort do NOT always equal desired results. Being a control freak, I SO hate this.

So all this to say, we are in another round of tests after our 1st appt. with our fertility specialist. We had a very good appt. with her and really like her. She was thorough and went through all the reasons for recurrent loss against the tests that can be done for that reason. My ob/gyn was actually quite thorough in his testing, which is good to know. I have a crush on him and would hate to have to not like him for not taking care of me :-). So we just have a few more tests to do over the next couple of weeks to have a clear picture of what we may or may not be dealing with in front of us. So for now we wait. But I be a professional at that "W" word these days, so no worries there.

Now if only studying hard or an all-nighter or two would make a good score...