Sunday, December 2, 2007

Doesn't Make It Easier

You would think that being pregnant would make a day like today easier. See today is the due date of the 3rd angel we sent to heaven in April. So today I should be welcoming a baby into my arms.

I was caught off guard today, because once again I thought I'd be just fine because I have such good things going on with Lefty. Wrong, wrong, wrong. My morning was quite the mess. I thought I was fine, but then my Dad brought me flowers and the floodgates opened. I cried all morning at church. There were moments I couldn't even get any words out through the tears. I'm sure people wondered what was wrong with me. Wondered if I got in a fight with someone. Wondered if something was wrong with Lefty. Nope....I'm just sad for another love lost.

No matter how much I tell myself these things shouldn't hurt, they still do. I know I can't fathom how much I will love this baby that's in my belly when "he" arrives, but I do know that I will always still love the ones I lost and remember them on these dates. My mom had a miscarriage 30 years ago and she still remembers the date of her miscarriage and gets sad. I guess we never totally recover from things like this and I should stop expecting myself to be fine.

So tonight I'm telling myself it's OK to still be sad, even though I do have so much to be glad about.

7 comments:

Amber said...

It's ok to be sad - more than ok. They are no less real because you didn't get to hold them. They were and are your children, no mother would be ok today. Love you, and I recommend some dump cake with vanilla ice cream and extra butter.

Angela said...

I have 2 in heaven and I think about them all the time. I still get sad when I think about them and wonder what it will be like when I get a chance to finally hold them in my arms. No matter how much time goes by you will always have some sadness. I am so happy that lefty is healthy and thriving wonderfully!!

jill said...

I saw you this morning and suspected. I should have said something wonderful and comforting, but we all know there aren't magic words so I'll just commiserate with you and say - I feel this exact same way on days like these. I wonder if we always will. Lots of prayers and a hug to you!

Sunny said...

I hated I missed seeing your face today! We were late and I am sure you were hiding.

HUGS! Our angels will never be forgotten as long as we take a moment to remember them even if it is through tears!

LOVE YOU!

Fertilize Me said...

very sorry that these anniversaries exist! Wishing great things for you and your growing family

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