The Power of Positive Thinking

Has anyone mastered this art? If so, please do share how you do it. I'm waffling between feeling really good about next u/s on Thursday and feeling like it's doomed just like the rest. I HATE when the negative creeps in. I want to be positive at all times. I want to have faith that this is THE ONE that's going to stick. I want to not think bad things at all. Instead they creep into my brain and make me doubt things and overanalyze things. "Wait a second my boobs don't hurt as bad today." "I was only sick to my stomach for 20 minutes today...that can't be nearly enough" "Hmmm.....not as many zits as there were a week ago". ARGH! Get these thoughts out of my brain and let me just TRUST God to take care of us and our baby.

Is it Thursday yet?

Lefty

So we've decided on a name for our new bean until we know the sex. When I o'ed this month it hurt like heck on my left side. It was a little earlier than normal for O, but I knew it was happening. So I went home and told the husband it was time. He asked if we could wait one more night, I said "nope". So we did the deed. At our u/s on Thursday the RE confirmed the egg did come from the left. Duh...knew that already. So, today as we dined over our yummy Pizza Hut (hooray - thanks to Sunny I found one open in the area!), we deemed our little one "Lefty". Now Lefty....stay put, hold on tight. We really, really, really want to meet you.

Just in...

Just back from the 1st u/s and the results are great! We have a lil' bean that has a strong heartbeat (122bpm) and is measuring actually 2 days ahead of where I am. I am 6w2d and bean is measuring 6w4d. This is all very reassuring but don't stop the prayers please. In the past things have gone wrong a little later in pregnancy, so I need to get through the next 6 weeks to breathe totally easy. But...I have a pretty good feeling about this one. Next u/s is 2 weeks from today. Until then I'm supposed to take it easy, eat 30% more than normal, drink lots of water and abstain from "relations".

So keep your fingers crossed for us a little longer and thanks for all the support everyone!

Insomnia Is Inevitable

My first u/s is scheduled for tomorrow at 1:45 p.m. Too say I'm nervous is a huge understatement. For the most part I'm staying positive. I feel more pregnant now than I have with any of my priors. I'm nauseated most of the day, tired, my boobs hurt and I am zit city. Spot has stayed away except for brief appearance of pink on Monday night.

In anticipation of tomorrow's results, I know I will be up most of the night staring at my ceiling. I was up a lot last night too praying for good things. No let me rephrase that, I was begging for good things. I really don't know if I could handle another loss. Tonight I'm sure God and I will have some more good conversations. On top of my prayer list is that tomorrow we can see a nice strong heartbeat, despite it being only 6w2d and right on the brink of being able to see such things. I really NEED to see heartbeat tomorrow. To have to wait for another week or so to check again would be agony. So ladies, please pray with me for a strong ticker tomorrow.

Skip It

Today I, along with so many of you, am remembering my 3 angels as part of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day. What makes this day even more painful for me is that on this day last year I was supposed to be welcoming my first baby into the world. Instead, I was not only mourning the loss of that angel, but also another one, as I began bleeding and said goodbye to pregnancy #2 so soon after it began. Talk about a bad day.


As today approached, I really thought I was going to be ok. I have the hope of the new life that is forming in me now. I knew I'd be sad about the history of this day, but thought I'd cope ok. I must admit I was quite wrong. Although I am comforted by the hope of something new, I am still mourning these 2 losses a year later as well as the 3rd that happened this spring. I sobbed through my morning and just wanted to skip this day altogether - to make this day some kind of "leap year" date that I get to skip 3 out of 4 years. It's amazing how you cannot put a timeline on grief.

I am so thankful for friends and family today. Friends have sent me notes of encouragement and offers of time and hugs and one even left a package on my doorstep. My mom cooked me breakfast and cleaned my house. My dad sent me flowers. My older sister sent me chocolates that I can't seem to keep away from my mouth. My husband came home early from work with offers of going to a movie (which I passed on in favor of sitting in pj's at home with him catching up on tv.) My younger sis and my parents offered to do lunch wherever I wanted. I thought nothing sounding more comforting than Pizza Hut. I know...kind of ghetto, but I was craving not just delivery - an eat-in experience complete with salad bar, breadsticks and that greasy ooey gooey cheesy goodness being served right out of the hot pan. Unfortunately, as we pulled up to not just 1, but 2 area Pizza Huts, we discovered they had closed down. So, I had to settle for Boston Market. Great comfort food there as well, but just another disappointment to add to the long list to associate with today.


Although I have loved all my angels. Today, I am especially remembering, loving and missing my first one. The one that shocked me when I miscarried because I just didn't think that happened with first pregnancies. The one I loved first. The one I felt the most. The one that held on the longest. The one I should be throwing a 1st birthday party for today with cake and a single candle for him or her to blow out. Instead, I have a candle lit here at home in memory of this angel, and all my angels. I love you, miss you and can't wait to meet you one day.

For everyone else remembering lost ones today, may you have peace in the midst of the sadness. It was said this way in a card I received today:

peace.
it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work
It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Checklist

• Sore boobs - check
• Indigestion after meals - check
• Pubescent acne - check
• No more spot - check
• Still scared as crap - check

Sit...Stay...Good Dog

Mr. W. and I have a beautiful beagle named Lady. She's our pride and joy and favorite child until such a time when we're able to have one with less fur. She's fiesty and annoying but oh so loveable. I have this other fiesty friend, not so loveable, that occassionally comes to show up and spend some time with me. I bet you've had visits from him too. His name is "Spot". Spot showing up on my doorstep at any time other than around 7 DPO (in hopes of it being implantation spotting) is typically not a good thing. Being shy of 5 weeks pregnant, his recent arrival was definitely an unwelcome one. His presence was with me ever so slightly for 2 days. Mr. W. likes to say that it's just the twin implanting. Ha! Yeah right. Me...I'm not sure what to feel. I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt and remember that this is not in my control and to relax. Spot has now left me....I hope to not have to greet him again anytime soon. So until then...sit Spot....stay away....Good Dog.

On a brighter note, first beta at 17 DPO was 1436 - first u/s scheduled for the 18th.

Here We Go Again

I've been quiet the last few days. Silence always has it's reasons, and mine is that on Saturday morning my pee told me that I am once again pregnant. I have to admit my 1st reaction was not joy. I'm not feeling ready to go through all of this again, and I'm definitely not ready for another loss. (Kind of silly since the ultimate goal has always been get pregnant, have baby) So, I'm choosing to believe in 2 things right now. 1 - my fortune about my changing luck. It really does HAVE to change at some point and now seems like a great time. And 2 - that my God is bigger than this whole thing and is in in control. I'm in his hands in good or bad, and there is no better place to be.

So for now I wait. I tested stinkin early so I'm only 4 weeks 2 days. Time is a dragging. I have bloodwork tomorrow and 1st u/s in 2 weeks. My 2nd loss was an early one - at 4 weeks 3 days, so tomorrow is a big day for me. I need to get beyond that to feel like this one is going to stick. I've peed on 4 sticks since Saturday and all are bright pink....good sign. Here's to all good signs from here on out. I can do this! Can't I?

P.S. - for those readers who also know me in "real" life - I'm not spreading this news far and wide...so please don't share my news with others.