Monday, October 15, 2007

Skip It

Today I, along with so many of you, am remembering my 3 angels as part of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day. What makes this day even more painful for me is that on this day last year I was supposed to be welcoming my first baby into the world. Instead, I was not only mourning the loss of that angel, but also another one, as I began bleeding and said goodbye to pregnancy #2 so soon after it began. Talk about a bad day.

As today approached, I really thought I was going to be ok. I have the hope of the new life that is forming in me now. I knew I'd be sad about the history of this day, but thought I'd cope ok. I must admit I was quite wrong. Although I am comforted by the hope of something new, I am still mourning these 2 losses a year later as well as the 3rd that happened this spring. I sobbed through my morning and just wanted to skip this day altogether - to make this day some kind of "leap year" date that I get to skip 3 out of 4 years. It's amazing how you cannot put a timeline on grief.

I am so thankful for friends and family today. Friends have sent me notes of encouragement and offers of time and hugs and one even left a package on my doorstep. My mom cooked me breakfast and cleaned my house. My dad sent me flowers. My older sister sent me chocolates that I can't seem to keep away from my mouth. My husband came home early from work with offers of going to a movie (which I passed on in favor of sitting in pj's at home with him catching up on tv.) My younger sis and my parents offered to do lunch wherever I wanted. I thought nothing sounding more comforting than Pizza Hut. I know...kind of ghetto, but I was craving not just delivery - an eat-in experience complete with salad bar, breadsticks and that greasy ooey gooey cheesy goodness being served right out of the hot pan. Unfortunately, as we pulled up to not just 1, but 2 area Pizza Huts, we discovered they had closed down. So, I had to settle for Boston Market. Great comfort food there as well, but just another disappointment to add to the long list to associate with today.

Although I have loved all my angels. Today, I am especially remembering, loving and missing my first one. The one that shocked me when I miscarried because I just didn't think that happened with first pregnancies. The one I loved first. The one I felt the most. The one that held on the longest. The one I should be throwing a 1st birthday party for today with cake and a single candle for him or her to blow out. Instead, I have a candle lit here at home in memory of this angel, and all my angels. I love you, miss you and can't wait to meet you one day.

For everyone else remembering lost ones today, may you have peace in the midst of the sadness. It was said this way in a card I received today:

it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work
It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.


Sunny said...

LOVE YOU! I so wish things were different!

Oh there is a pizza hut dine in off of Braddock. VERY YUMMY!

Tina said...

How I wish things could be different for all of us... So glad people remembered and cared enough to show they were thinking of you.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

Sounds like you have a wonderful, beautiful family. That's so sweet all the things they'd think of your hard day.

Since I lost our baby, the only thing I've eaten has been Papa John's. My sister had it delivered to our house Sunday, and my husband keeps heating it up. I don't feel up to eating out or making anything, but somehow that's ok. Odd, huh? Boston Market is good food though.

I'm happy to hear about your positive HPT and good beta.. I know the next few weeks will be scary for you, but I hope you don't mind my adding you to my blogroll and reading your story... Here's to hoping all goes most well and you see a beautiful heartbeat and this baby settles in for good.

Katie said...

It is so wonderful that people remembered you on this tough day. I am sorry for your losses.

jill said...

Thinking of you... and I was yesterday, too... I'm just a little late, like I am for practice almost every Sunday morning. It doesn't mean I love you any less!

tracey said...

Like Jill, I thought of you and prayed for you on Monday, and like Jill, I'm late telling you. I got distracted "putting out fires" at my house and didn't get the chance to sit down at the computer to tell you.