The Best & Worst

Growing up, every evening at dinner our parents would have us say the best and worst things that happened in our day. It was an attempt at staying connected to our lives as we were teenagers and tended to close them off more than we used to. In keeping with this tradition, as 2007 ends and 2008 begins, I thought I'd reflect back on a year that certainly has had it's lower than ever lows, and also it's share of wonderful highs.



The Worst

-Ringing in the new year of 2007 without the baby that should've been in our arms from m/c #1.

-3rd miscarriage in April followed by 2nd D&C.

-An awful summer with awful anxiety that was treated with anti-anxiety meds. Took anxiety away, but mellowed me out so much I got awfully depressed. Not really what I needed. Had to take a break from the TTC cause of meds and just not being up for another pregnancy or loss again.

-All testing on me and DH came back normal. Yes, I know, this should be a on the best, and it will go down there too. But....it's also the worst because it left us with the fear of the unknown going into another pregancy.



The Best

-Fabulous trip to London, England with BFF from high school in February.

-Celebrating 5 years of marriage in September in Hawaii with love of my life

-All testing on me and DH came back normal. At least many unfixable things were ruled out.

-Amazing support as always from my family. I don't know what I'd do without my parents and my 2 sisters who all rock in different ways.

-Thursdays out forgetting my woes with the perfect companion

-4th BFP in late September

- Lefty is still here with us growing inside me. Could it be that 2008 will be the year that our dreams our fulfilled and we welcome a real live baby?

Resolutions

This is probably the 1st time in at least 16 years that new year's day hasn't brought promises of working out and losing some serious poundage. It's an odd feeling to not be able to do that. I guess I can resolve to not become an enormous cow with the pregnancy at least.

My biggest goal this year is to become the best mom I can be, to fully appreciate every moment that I have with this baby,NEVER forget the journey that brought us here, NEVER take this gift we have been given for granted and NEVER stop saying thanks to God for this blessing.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope that 2008 is the year for dreams fulfilled for all of you.

Lefty's First Blue Box

I love blue boxes wrapped in white ribbon. All girls deserve to have a blue box of goodies given to them at all birthdays, anniversaries and Christmases. If I have boys, I will train them well in this. If I have girls, I will teach them to expect nothing less.

My husband has been trained immaculately by his mother who taught him this same virtue. Because of her, I have received great gifts at all of our special occasions because he knows there is no going wrong when the box says "Tiffany & Co".

So, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when at the bottom of Lefty's stocking, Lefty had a blue box of his or her own. Inside the box was the most adorable rattle, that is way too fancy for any child to play with, but is perfect nonetheless. But that's not the best part. The best part was the card inside that the love of my life wrote to the baby. It was perfect and sweet and made me cry. He's going to be one awesome Daddy.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I LOVE Christmas. It is my favorite time of year. Because I work with music, I actually start listening to Christmas music again in the spring here and there, in order to plan what Christmas music will need to be arranged in time for the upcoming holidays.

Christmas is in full swing for us here in the W household. Last night we had Christmas with my family. Most of my family lives within 10 minutes of me here in Northern Virginia. My oldest sister forsook us a few years back and moved down south with her husband and 2 kids, but they were back up for the weekend which was great. We celebrated at mom and dad's house with our faux Chrismtas Eve. Mr. W. was quite excited to come home with a Wii, courtesy of my parents. We hooked it up last night to our new 50 inch TV (merry christmas to us from us) and had a blast playing the sports. I think the tennis and bowling are going to help keep me in shape during this preggo time. Ha! Who would've thought a video game could be a form of excercise.

Today is a busy one as well. At noon we're at my in-laws house. Then I have to bail at about 3 to head to church to get ready for Christmas Eve Services at church - which are my favorite of the whole year. Then afterwards we'll come home and see if we can restrain ourselves from opening all of our gifts. We always say we'll do just one, but we've lacked self control at times and let the one turn into all. I will stand strong this year though and just do one!

We've both bought things for little Lefty. I've bought things he'll like, he's done the same for me. I didn't realize he had gotten anything for the little one until about a week ago when I noticed more items in the stocking. I was so impressed by him and it was a huge turning point for him as well. He's finally letting himself get excited. He even touched my belly and talked to the baby for the first time last week. He doesn't know this really, but it's a huge Christmas present to me that he's starting to match my emotions on this.

On Christmas Day after doing our presents and having brunch with both sets of parents, we'll be off to the warmness of Florida for a few days. So...if I don't hear from you, or you don't hear from me...Have a wonderful Christmas!!!

In Just Three Weeks.....

In just 3 short weeks Lefty will have a name! That's right, we have our gender ultrasound on Tuesday, January 8th at 8:45 a.m. I can't believe it's coming so quick and I'm so excited to start actually calling the baby something besides Lefty or It. Who knows...maybe it's a Leftette instead of a Lefty and I have just been royally confusing the poor little thing.

My gut tells me it's a boy. But my heart hopes for girls. I have always wanted all girls. I'm one of 3 girls and I loved growing up with all sisters, and I've always wanted the same for my kids. But...I of course will be happy with whatever we're given. I just want to be holding a real, live, healthy baby in my arms in June and all will be well.

Out of the Closet

I am now officially "out of the closet". For the 1st trimester I only told people who needed to know, or who I wanted to know. But now I can't really hide it anymore. My growing gut is a definite tell-tale sign. Today at church I had a ton of the "are you?" questions and the "congratulations". I'm starting to not be able to hide it. The funny thing is, if I were to gain 7 pounds just on my own, not from being pregnant, I feel as though this is still what I'd look like. My extra weight always goes to my middle. So oddly enough, even though I am pregnant, I get kind of offended by the question. Cause I'm not that big or anything. I know I would NEVER ask someone who looked like me if they were expecting. I've been asked it too many times when I am not pregnant to ever do that to someone unless they are like 9 months pregnant ready to pop. Kind of silly of me to feel this way...but nonetheless I do.

What Dreams May Come

Last night I had a seriously disturbing dream. I went to the bathroom, did my business, and when I wiped there was my baby in my toilet paper - except it looked like a huge insect with bug wings and eyes and feathers. No I did not eat any special mushrooms last night with dinner and I have no idea where this came from. I'm sure I will have more dreams of wierd things to come...I wonder what other surprises in my sleep I have to look forward to.

Anyone a dream anaylzer out there? What the crap does this mean? Am I afraid I'm going to have an ugly baby or something? ha!

I love Tuesdays

Tuesdays are becoming my favorite day of the week. Tuesdays mean I have made it through another week, and am that much further along in my pregnancy. I also love checking my little widget on Tuesdays and seeing how Lefty has grown this week. I'm always amazed at the developments that happen week by week when I look at the twirling cartoon to the left. Today I am 13 weeks pregnant. Woohoo!

Happy Tuesday everyone!

Doesn't Make It Easier

You would think that being pregnant would make a day like today easier. See today is the due date of the 3rd angel we sent to heaven in April. So today I should be welcoming a baby into my arms.

I was caught off guard today, because once again I thought I'd be just fine because I have such good things going on with Lefty. Wrong, wrong, wrong. My morning was quite the mess. I thought I was fine, but then my Dad brought me flowers and the floodgates opened. I cried all morning at church. There were moments I couldn't even get any words out through the tears. I'm sure people wondered what was wrong with me. Wondered if I got in a fight with someone. Wondered if something was wrong with Lefty. Nope....I'm just sad for another love lost.

No matter how much I tell myself these things shouldn't hurt, they still do. I know I can't fathom how much I will love this baby that's in my belly when "he" arrives, but I do know that I will always still love the ones I lost and remember them on these dates. My mom had a miscarriage 30 years ago and she still remembers the date of her miscarriage and gets sad. I guess we never totally recover from things like this and I should stop expecting myself to be fine.

So tonight I'm telling myself it's OK to still be sad, even though I do have so much to be glad about.

Am I Really Here?

I must admit that I am more than a little bit in shock that I'm actually here. I am 12 1/2 weeks pregnant and all is still going well. It feels weird. It feels unexpected. It feels darn good.

Yesterday we had our final ultrasound until the BIG one when we find out the gender. Because Lefty wasn't cooperating and not giving the doc the angle he wanted, we ended up getting a half hour to look at all the images of "him" in there swimming around. We have some great profile shots, a very cute little butt shot, and even saw how the blood is flowing throughout "his" heart and body. I don't have a scanner at home, but will post pics when I get my bro-in-law to do it for me.

Notice I am now saying "him". I just have a gut here. Have from the get go that this is a boy. I could be very wrong - and I'd welcome the wrong because little girls are more fun to dress! But...I feel like it's a boy. It's weird knowing in like 6 weeks we'll know and actually get to start calling this little one by name.

I think this one is for real.

Blog You Very Much

A good idea from Reproductive Jeans - let everyone know the birth story of your blog, and who's blog inspired you to begin yours. Her recent post said:

"So here's your chance to say THANKS to that blogger who inspired you. Share your blog's birth story. Post it on your blog, (feel free to use the logo!) and then e-mail me or leave a comment here, and I will keep a running list (no cut-off date!) of Blog You Very Much posts!"

My "blog you very much" goes to Sunny. Sunny my dear, you have been my infertility guru not only online, but in my real life. You schooled me well on all the nasty things we need to know when ttc - the joys of checking cervical mucus, taking daily temps, charting and oh so much more. You have spent countless hours with me listening and lending an ear and making dump cake when it was oh so needed. And...let's not forget the well timed consumption of martinis, margaritas, wine, beer or whatever else cocktails were necessary to just get through the day.



I read your blog for almost 2 years before I decided to start one, and seeing the support you've received from yours, encouraged me to start one of my own. I love you much my friend. Thanks for sharing your story and making me feel comfortable sharing my own.

What I'm Thankful for This Year

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It reached the upper 70's here in Northern Virginia today and I rode around with the top down on my convertible with christmas music blaring from my radio. Something isn't quite right about that. Thanksgiving is supposed to be chilly. But whatever.

I must say that the past 2 years have been rough. Through all the ups and downs, it's been tough at times to find things that I am thankful for. This Thanksgiving, I am thankful that I have so many things to be thankful for. Not that I wasn't thankful for most these things in the past, but my emotions so clouded everything that I didn't take enough time to dwell on the good things in my life. So, here's what I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.....

1 - Of course on top of the list is this pregnancy and little Lefty. I really am still in amazement that all is going well and that in less than a week we hit the milestone of 12 weeks. Tomorrow as we go around the table and say our "thanks" I know this is what will be coming out of my mouth. And...I know the reason for this achievement is God and His timing - so I'm eternally grateful for His hand of blessing on us.
2 - My husband is awesome. I probably don't thank him enough for being such an amazing support and friend. He's seen me at my worst and loves me still...that always amazes me. He's been nothing but supportive through this whole babymaking process and I'm so glad that he is going to be the father of our child...and hopefully more children to come. And as an added bonus, he's quite the hottie and is so funny and can make me laugh like no one else.
3 - My family. Those of you who know me - I'm super close with my parents and my 2 sisters. Some people say we're strangely close, but to me there's nothing strange about. I seriously can't imagine life without any of them in it and am thankful for the HUGE part they play in my life, and the future part they will play in Lefty's life. And....my mom makes the most amazing homemade stuffing on Thanksgiving and my mouth has been watering thinking about for weeks now. Thanks Mom!!
4 - Good friends. I love every one of you who has been a true friend. I am so thankful that I still keep in touch with my 2 best friends from high school - and that we're as close as ever, despite the distance from NY to VA. I'm thankful for new friends God has brought my way to share life with me. The ones who let me cry with them, laugh with them, complain with them and drink with them. You know who you are ladies and I love you.
5 - Modern Technology. Ok...sounds odd. But without the power of technology, all of us going through IF would be so isolated and alone. Instead, we're able to connect in a powerful way over cyberspace and offer support and answers for each other that is so important. I know that this blog has been so therapeutic for me, and all the comments and wishes from other bloggers are such an encouragment.

There is so much more, but these are my highlights. I hope everybody has a fabulous day of eating and spending time with loved ones and that you find many things to be thankful about.

"Reflect on your present blessings - of which every man has many - not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some."
Charles Dickens

Aaaaaahhhhhhh

Hear that "aaaaahhhhh"? That is a sigh of relief. I received my handy dandy doppler today courtesy of overnight DHL service, and to my surprise - it worked!! I was really thinking it might be too early, so had talked myself into being fine, even if I heard nothing. So I jellied up the wand started slowly rubbing it on my flab down there and after about 45 seconds found the right spot and there it was. My husband, ever the skeptic, made me put it on my heart too to make sure that's not what we were hearing. But the beats were way different. Little Lefty is much faster. I didn't realize the doppler I got doesn't give me a reading of the bpm - but oh well. I really don't need to know that - just need to hear it and know all is well. I have a feeling this thing is going to be my new addicition and that my itty bitty tube of gel isn't going to last very long.

3 month rental of doppler - $84
Overnight shipping via DHL - $20
Peace of mind upon hearing our baby's ticker - priceless

The 2 week wait

Now that I'm pregnant, I still can't get away from the 2 week wait. Every 2 weeks I get an u/s. Which means that I feel great for about 3 days after the good results, then stress out for the remaining 9 or 10 days til the next one. I'm really freaking out about the wait I'm in right now. The next u/s is on the 30th and I will be 12 1/2 weeks at that point. I just need time to fly by til then and let this 1st trimester be over. I've had pink throughout this pregnancy after doing the deed and after doing bathroom business - sorry for the t.m.i. I've had it a few times over past few days and I just need some reassurance. So today, I rented a fetal doppler system so that I can start to listen to lefty's ticker from home. I even next dayed it, and it will arrive tomorrow as Lefty turns 11 weeks. Now I'm hoping that I can actually pick up something on it this early. All the info says I should be able to hear it sometime between 8 to 12 weeks, but I'm not sure. Anyone had sucess with these things? And how far along were you when you could start hearing things?

Introducing Lefty

Breathing Easier

Things have been NUTS for me over the past week....thus my lack of posting. I've been in NY, Florida and now back and am exhausted. But....I am breathing easier and resting a little bit because we had a GREAT ultrasound today. Our "Lefty" is measuring right on schedule at 10w1d and has a perfect heartbeat of 163 bpm. We could see so much more in this one - even the cute little feet! I'll post a pic tomorrow when I get to work, but wanted to update all the blogging buddies on our good progress. We now go back on the 30th at 12 1/2 weeks for another ultrasound. But, you know what, I'm feeling really good about this one and am not worried about that 3% chance of m/c at this point. Instead I'm focusing on the 97% chance that Lefty is gonna keep growing and thriving and come out to meet us on June 10th.

When You Least Expect It

At the end of April we lost our 3rd angel. We sent the tissue to be tested and were told it would take 6 to 8 weeks to get results back. So 6 weeks passed by and I began calling my OB's office weekly to see if results were back. I did this all the way up to hitting 18 weeks. Yes, that is 4 months. And nada, nothing, zip had returned. They assured me that they kept calling the lab, and that my doc had even personally gone to the lab at the hospital a few times to check up in person. But nothing ever came back. We all assumed that it either didn't work or that they lost the info and didn't want to admit it. To be honest at this point I had almost forgotten about it and put it out of my mind figuring we'd never know what the issue was.

So today imagine my surprise when my OB calls me and tells me the results are finally back and to give him a call - 6 MONTHS LATER!! I return his call...he returns mine and tells me he received a letter from the lab dated October 25th. It basically said that the test was completed in a timely manner and that they lost the results for a while...without actually admitting that they had any fault in the matter. He apologized all over the place, but of course it wasn't his fault - he did all he could to get the info back. He proceeded to tell me that the reason our little one didn't make it was that it had trisomy 16 - which means he or she had an extra 16th chromosome. I guess this is the most common chromosomal disorder and most common reason for miscarriages. He said that this is only something that we should be worried about recurring if either of us had tested postive as a carrier for this in our karyotype testing....which neither of us did.

I'm trying not to let the weight of this newfound knowledge overshadow my joy over yesterdays ultrasound. Part of me is concerned for Lefty a little more now...but I'm trying to stay at peace and not let this worry me. It's amazing how things like this come when you least expect it...and I sure wasn't expecting this today....or ever actually.

My doc also said that he had one other letter came in with ours for another couple with a loss at the same time as ours and that their testing came back with "significant" abnormalities. I am thankful that we are not that couple. That we didn't wait all this time to learn something truly awful. That Lefty isn't at higher risk for leaving us. So tonight I will pray for this couple, whomever they are, and hope that they are in a good place to receive their news and be able to overcome the problem, whatever it may be.

Pomp & Circumstance

We're graduating!! That's right, we had our 8 week u/s today with the RE and everything looks so good we get to graduate back to my regular OB. It was amazing to see how much Lefty has changed over the past 2 weeks. No longer just a blob, now there's a definable head, body and little army things. The heartbeat is nice and strong at 162 bpm and we're still measuring a day or 2 ahead at 8w4d. We even got to hear the heartbeat for a few seconds which was beyond cool.

So as you can tell, at the moment I am feeling great about things. Even Mr. W. who is keeping his emotions at bay this time around, is getting excited. This is the latest "good" ultrasound we've seen. Although I made it to 10 weeks with my 1st pregnancy, our furthest u/s was at 7 weeks. So this is pretty exciting for us. I have a sense of relief...at least for another week or so until I start stressing about the 10 week u/s scheduled for November 15th.

So keep praying, keep fingers crossed and keep holding your breath for us cause it's not over yet.

Thanks for all the love and support!

The Power of Positive Thinking

Has anyone mastered this art? If so, please do share how you do it. I'm waffling between feeling really good about next u/s on Thursday and feeling like it's doomed just like the rest. I HATE when the negative creeps in. I want to be positive at all times. I want to have faith that this is THE ONE that's going to stick. I want to not think bad things at all. Instead they creep into my brain and make me doubt things and overanalyze things. "Wait a second my boobs don't hurt as bad today." "I was only sick to my stomach for 20 minutes today...that can't be nearly enough" "Hmmm.....not as many zits as there were a week ago". ARGH! Get these thoughts out of my brain and let me just TRUST God to take care of us and our baby.

Is it Thursday yet?

Lefty

So we've decided on a name for our new bean until we know the sex. When I o'ed this month it hurt like heck on my left side. It was a little earlier than normal for O, but I knew it was happening. So I went home and told the husband it was time. He asked if we could wait one more night, I said "nope". So we did the deed. At our u/s on Thursday the RE confirmed the egg did come from the left. Duh...knew that already. So, today as we dined over our yummy Pizza Hut (hooray - thanks to Sunny I found one open in the area!), we deemed our little one "Lefty". Now Lefty....stay put, hold on tight. We really, really, really want to meet you.

Just in...

Just back from the 1st u/s and the results are great! We have a lil' bean that has a strong heartbeat (122bpm) and is measuring actually 2 days ahead of where I am. I am 6w2d and bean is measuring 6w4d. This is all very reassuring but don't stop the prayers please. In the past things have gone wrong a little later in pregnancy, so I need to get through the next 6 weeks to breathe totally easy. But...I have a pretty good feeling about this one. Next u/s is 2 weeks from today. Until then I'm supposed to take it easy, eat 30% more than normal, drink lots of water and abstain from "relations".

So keep your fingers crossed for us a little longer and thanks for all the support everyone!

Insomnia Is Inevitable

My first u/s is scheduled for tomorrow at 1:45 p.m. Too say I'm nervous is a huge understatement. For the most part I'm staying positive. I feel more pregnant now than I have with any of my priors. I'm nauseated most of the day, tired, my boobs hurt and I am zit city. Spot has stayed away except for brief appearance of pink on Monday night.

In anticipation of tomorrow's results, I know I will be up most of the night staring at my ceiling. I was up a lot last night too praying for good things. No let me rephrase that, I was begging for good things. I really don't know if I could handle another loss. Tonight I'm sure God and I will have some more good conversations. On top of my prayer list is that tomorrow we can see a nice strong heartbeat, despite it being only 6w2d and right on the brink of being able to see such things. I really NEED to see heartbeat tomorrow. To have to wait for another week or so to check again would be agony. So ladies, please pray with me for a strong ticker tomorrow.

Skip It

Today I, along with so many of you, am remembering my 3 angels as part of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Day. What makes this day even more painful for me is that on this day last year I was supposed to be welcoming my first baby into the world. Instead, I was not only mourning the loss of that angel, but also another one, as I began bleeding and said goodbye to pregnancy #2 so soon after it began. Talk about a bad day.


As today approached, I really thought I was going to be ok. I have the hope of the new life that is forming in me now. I knew I'd be sad about the history of this day, but thought I'd cope ok. I must admit I was quite wrong. Although I am comforted by the hope of something new, I am still mourning these 2 losses a year later as well as the 3rd that happened this spring. I sobbed through my morning and just wanted to skip this day altogether - to make this day some kind of "leap year" date that I get to skip 3 out of 4 years. It's amazing how you cannot put a timeline on grief.

I am so thankful for friends and family today. Friends have sent me notes of encouragement and offers of time and hugs and one even left a package on my doorstep. My mom cooked me breakfast and cleaned my house. My dad sent me flowers. My older sister sent me chocolates that I can't seem to keep away from my mouth. My husband came home early from work with offers of going to a movie (which I passed on in favor of sitting in pj's at home with him catching up on tv.) My younger sis and my parents offered to do lunch wherever I wanted. I thought nothing sounding more comforting than Pizza Hut. I know...kind of ghetto, but I was craving not just delivery - an eat-in experience complete with salad bar, breadsticks and that greasy ooey gooey cheesy goodness being served right out of the hot pan. Unfortunately, as we pulled up to not just 1, but 2 area Pizza Huts, we discovered they had closed down. So, I had to settle for Boston Market. Great comfort food there as well, but just another disappointment to add to the long list to associate with today.


Although I have loved all my angels. Today, I am especially remembering, loving and missing my first one. The one that shocked me when I miscarried because I just didn't think that happened with first pregnancies. The one I loved first. The one I felt the most. The one that held on the longest. The one I should be throwing a 1st birthday party for today with cake and a single candle for him or her to blow out. Instead, I have a candle lit here at home in memory of this angel, and all my angels. I love you, miss you and can't wait to meet you one day.

For everyone else remembering lost ones today, may you have peace in the midst of the sadness. It was said this way in a card I received today:

peace.
it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work
It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.

Checklist

• Sore boobs - check
• Indigestion after meals - check
• Pubescent acne - check
• No more spot - check
• Still scared as crap - check

Sit...Stay...Good Dog

Mr. W. and I have a beautiful beagle named Lady. She's our pride and joy and favorite child until such a time when we're able to have one with less fur. She's fiesty and annoying but oh so loveable. I have this other fiesty friend, not so loveable, that occassionally comes to show up and spend some time with me. I bet you've had visits from him too. His name is "Spot". Spot showing up on my doorstep at any time other than around 7 DPO (in hopes of it being implantation spotting) is typically not a good thing. Being shy of 5 weeks pregnant, his recent arrival was definitely an unwelcome one. His presence was with me ever so slightly for 2 days. Mr. W. likes to say that it's just the twin implanting. Ha! Yeah right. Me...I'm not sure what to feel. I'm trying to take it with a grain of salt and remember that this is not in my control and to relax. Spot has now left me....I hope to not have to greet him again anytime soon. So until then...sit Spot....stay away....Good Dog.

On a brighter note, first beta at 17 DPO was 1436 - first u/s scheduled for the 18th.

Here We Go Again

I've been quiet the last few days. Silence always has it's reasons, and mine is that on Saturday morning my pee told me that I am once again pregnant. I have to admit my 1st reaction was not joy. I'm not feeling ready to go through all of this again, and I'm definitely not ready for another loss. (Kind of silly since the ultimate goal has always been get pregnant, have baby) So, I'm choosing to believe in 2 things right now. 1 - my fortune about my changing luck. It really does HAVE to change at some point and now seems like a great time. And 2 - that my God is bigger than this whole thing and is in in control. I'm in his hands in good or bad, and there is no better place to be.

So for now I wait. I tested stinkin early so I'm only 4 weeks 2 days. Time is a dragging. I have bloodwork tomorrow and 1st u/s in 2 weeks. My 2nd loss was an early one - at 4 weeks 3 days, so tomorrow is a big day for me. I need to get beyond that to feel like this one is going to stick. I've peed on 4 sticks since Saturday and all are bright pink....good sign. Here's to all good signs from here on out. I can do this! Can't I?

P.S. - for those readers who also know me in "real" life - I'm not spreading this news far and wide...so please don't share my news with others.

As Luck Would Have It

Ate Chinese Food tonight with my hannah's hope (IF support group) ladies and I am LOVING my fortune...



Maybe the 4th time will be the charm for us? I know the saying is the 3rd time...but I was always kind of a late bloomer.

Welcome BMW

What a weekend. I had a garage sale, went to hospital as yet another nephew was born, got only 4 1/2 hours sleep, went to church, went to the Redskins game, cooked a lovely dinner of rolled and stuffed flank stank for some guests. And now I'm pooped...and the work week for me is just beginning. (My work week starts on Tuesdays for those of you who don't know me.)

I handled the new baby well I think. My sister in law really is a sweetheart and she and her husband started trying the same time as us. They got pregnant the 1st time right after I did, and she had a m/c at 11 weeks just shortly after my 1st one. It then took them another year to get pregnant. It's great to see it working out for someone on the other side, and the baby sure is a cutie. His new initals are "BMW" - his nickname will be Beemer. Adorable. I teared up just a tad at one point, but was able to stop the flow thankfully. That was not my moment to steal with everyone thinking "oh no, poor Debby...hope she's handling this ok". It was their moment as it rightly should be, so instead I put on a brave face and was truly happy for the new parents. I just really hope our turn is soon.

In an update on our "turn", today fertility friend is telling me "if you conceived this cycle, your due date would be June 10th" - blah, blah, blah. I'm really not liking being back in the trying game. My 2ww is 1/2 way over and of course just to mess with my head, I had ever so slight spotting yesterday on day 6 to just raise that hope in me that it could be implantation. To not be so aware of all the stupid little things would be great. Ignorance is bliss..unfortunately, I am far from an ignoramus on all this stuff now. And it's not like you can go back and forget the things you've learned.

So for now...if I can just hold off to day 12 to test, I'll feel a sense of accomplishment. I know, I know - day 12 is still early. But, chances are I'll really start at day 10. So day 12 is actually a good goal. I get a little OCD in the late stages of the cycle. I know I'm not alone in this compulsion, which is nice. It's no fun to be a freak on your own. :-)

Not gonna do it!

I can be quite stubborn at times. It reared it's head today as I once again discovered my fertility friend subscription is expiring.

Since I began on ff in July of last year, I've just been getting the 3 month subscriptions at 16.95 each. My logic has always been, "I'll get pregnant soon and won't need it anymore". Well, that normally proves to be true, but then I have a loss and have to renew the stupid thing anyway.

So every three months like clockwork I'm reminded that fertility is just not my thing and that I need to punch in my credit card digits yet again. I keep telling myself that next time I'll go ahead and shell out the extra 28 bucks for the year long subscription. But, alas, when the opportunity came up today I just couldn't do it. I stuck to my stubborn guns and just got the 3 month subscription. Yes, I am hoping that my theory on not needing it anymore proves to be true. No, I do not believe this will really happen, but I have to hope for the best. Even if it's a long shot.

Stubborn, stubborn, stubborn.

What does normal mean anyway?

The follow up appt. with the RE on Wednesday went well. After reviewing all of our bloodwork, she told us that everything came back perfectly normal. No red flags, my egg quality is good, I do not have PCOS, our chromosomes are normal, etc., etc., I have now had EVERY single test possible done to me. There doesn't seem to be anything left. She gave us options of next steps. The plan from here is to start clomid with the start of my next cycle. Which the way my cycles go, should be mid to end of October.

The wierd thing is I reacted to this "good" news just as if it had been bad really. I was in a funk about it that day, and ended up doing retail therapy at banana republic. How silly that I'm bummed to be normal.

Although part of me is relieved to have no serious things wrong with either of us, I hate that there are still no answers. I feel like I'm at a dead end...and now I have to turn around and go all the way back to the beginning where I was just as lost as I am now. Sigh.

All I Can Do Is Keep Breathing

For anyone going through IF....or anything that just stinks really, here's a reminder to just keep breathing. This is the best song EVER and has been my song since going to see Ingrid Michaelson in concert this summer with Sunny & LJ. It was unavailable for purchase until today and I'm so excited to finally have it on my ipod! (It's on the Grey's Anatomy Volume 3 CD) Up to this point I've had to listen to it on my myspace page, which is kind of limiting since it involves a computer.

The lyrics are below, and go to www.myspace.com/ingridmichaelson to listen to the song. Or...just spend the 99 cents on itunes for it - trust me it's worth it. I'd post the audio in this blog - but I'm not tech savy enough to figure that one out.

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

Back to Life, Back to Reality

Aloha! After 7 days and nights there, 10 hours on the plane there and back, 12 episodes of the 1st season of 24 viewed on the video ipod, countless tropical drinks by the pool and great wine with dinner, I am back from Hawaii.

And now, reality hits. I am now less than 48 hours away from my follow-up with our new RE to go over all of our test results. I am excited in an odd way about the results. I almost want there to be something there so I can no what's going on. Although I want it to be something "small", not big. Something that is easily fixable. Like some easy switch needs to be flipped on and suddenly all will be perfect in my fertility existence. Odds of this being the case - slim to none. But it is my hope.

Now, if tests come up with absolutely nothing I have no idea where to go from there. I don't look forward to another pregnancy without answers that will end with another loss. I just can't go there. At least not in my mind yet. So for now I wait just a short while to know a little more and hopefully have a game plan to share.

Another addition to my daily routine beginning tomorrow is my friend the thermometer. I haven't temped since before my last pregnancy - so I've had a nice 6 month break. I must say it's been nice not having to overanalyze the spikes and dips and do the timed BD. But alas, it is time. And I'm as ready as I'll ever be to start all the trying again. So here we go...

The Consolation Prize

My mother in law was once on "The Price is Right" - she got called down to the contestant row, but never made it through to play one of the games. Just for playing she received a consolation prize - 1 years supply of some sort of sausage. Kind of sucks compared to the winnebagos, bedroom sets and trips offered in the showcase.

Most of the time consolation prizes suck - thanks for playing, but go home with this crappy prize, or nothing at all. If the fertility ride were a game show, I've certainly not reached the level where I get to play the game. I've been called down to bid on an item (pregnancy), but never won a game (a healthy pregnancy) and certainly never won the showcase showdown (a baby). But right now, just for being a player, I feel I've received a great consolation prize.

I'm blogging right now from Hawaii with the husband as we celebrate our 5th anniversary. This also marks our 2nd anniversary of "trying". If we had a succesful 1st pregnancy, we would have a baby almost a year old, and we wouldn't be here soaking up a good tan. If we had a successful 2nd pregnancy, we would have a 2 1/2 month old and we wouldn't be here enjoying the beautiful sunsets. If we had a successful 3rd pregnancy, I would be in my 3rd trimester, and we would instead of enjoying the pacific, probably be looking at the atlantic like in so many other past vacastions. Instead, I'm here. And you know what, I'm loving it. And just for now, this consolation prize, feels like first place. This week I am a winner.

Becoming Jane....Becoming Me

I recently saw the movie Becoming Jane. I must say the movie left me thoroughly depressed and my mind has been thinking about Jane Austen's life ever since.

The basic premise of the movie is that Jane finds true love, and through a serious of events, they are not meant to be and do not end up together. (Sorry for the spoiler there for anyone who hasn't seen it). In fact, she ends up alone and dies never having been married at the age of 41. Yet, she gave us some of the most fabulous books in existence with some of the most classic love stories. Pride & Prejudice has been one of my favorites since I first read it in high school, and I recently read Persuasion for the first time. What a wonderfully written story about the situation of waiting. She certainly was familiar with the subject.

My questions is this - had she really experienced happiness and fulfillment in love, could she have written these wonderful stories? I expect the answer is no. Her sorrow and emptiness are what propelled her to be such an excellent author. What she could not experience in life, she experienced on the written page.

Her life has me pondering my own lack of fulfillment. Jane Austen's life was defined by her LACK of what she most desired, and she birthed great things out of it. If I never get what I desire, will I still be able to have a full life that brings about good things? Will I be able to be BETTER for not have having had children if that is my fate?

I may be thinking too deeply here....and I do truly believe good things will come for me and Bubba and we will have a family one day. But, I do believe in a higher purpose and that God knows what He's doing all the time. And maybe, just maybe, this journey of becoming is necessary in order for Him to do amazing things through me. What could these amazing things be? I have no clue. But, I do like to think that there is a rainbow on the other side of this journey - even if it's not all the beautiful colors I'm hoping and praying for.

My Journey of Expectations & Disappointments

I began working on writing out my whole story a few days back and I just can't do it. I can't write all the details and emotions down without feeling too overwhelmed. So since I am a lists girl, it seemed less threatening for some reason to list this out in this format with dates and events. If I can just list it out in a factual way, with abbreviations and not full words, I feel like it won't hurt as bad. Like I won't have to relive it as I tell it. So here it is:

--June 05 - Go off birth control

--September 05 - start "trying"

--February 5 2006 - Positive HPT - Pregnancy # 1 begins

--February 28 06 - 1st u/s - See heartbeat at 7w 2d

--March 19 06 - Slight spotting

--March 23 06 - u/s shows no heartbeat

--March 27 06 - D & C #1 --June 7 06 - Finally get 1st cycle induced with progesterone

--July 06 - begin charting using fertility friend

--October 10 06 - positive home pregnancy test confirmed by blood test - Pregnancy # 2 begins
--October 15 06 - WORST DAY EVER - Due date of angel #1, also date of 2nd miscarriage. I begin bleeding heavily and pregnancy #2 is over before it's really even begun

--January 07 - Begin preliminary infertility testing. All tests come back normal.

--March 23 07 - On year "anniversary" of m/c #1 have positive home pregancy test
confirmed by blood test. Pregnancy #3 begins. Baby aspirin and progesterone begin daily.

--April 18 07 - Go in for first u/s at 7w3d and see heartbeat, but baby is only measuring at 5w6d.

--April 25 07 - Worst fears confirmed. Go for follow up u/s and heartbeat has stopped and pregnancy # 3 is over.

--April 26 07 - D & C # 2 (trisomy 16 deemed cause after 6 months of waiting for results)

--May 29 07 - Get first cycle back. Don't begin charting - decide to take some time off from trying for healing and sanity.

--June 21 07 - Due date of angel #2

--August 7 07 - First appt with RE

--September 29 07 - Positive HPT....here we go again

--October 5 07 - First hcg level is 1436 at 17 dpo

--October 18 07 - heartbeat was 122 bpm and baby measuring at 6w4d :-)

--November 1 07 - heartbeat was 162 bpm and baby measuring 8w4d - graduate from RE back to OB

--November 14 07 - 10 week u/s - 163 bpm heartbeat and measuring right on at 10w1d - woohoo!

--November 30 07 -12 1/2 week u/s was great and the down's syndrome testing was negative.

--December 2 07 - Due date of angel #3

--January 8 08 - Found out it's a boy

--May 31 08 - Grayson arrived early at 38 1/2 weeks and stays in NICU for 9 nights before heading home

--November 09 - Find out we are pregnant again; and so far so good! God is good!

It's 5 p.m.....do you know where your period is?

So to complete this next round of testing I am supposed to get my FSH levels checked on CD 3. So, my nurse explains all that stuff to me about CD 1 being the day full flow starts before 5 p.m. I have been spotting and cramping since Tuesday knowing that AF is on her way and should arrive at any moment. So today at exactly 5 p.m., she decides to show. Ha! So does that make today day 1 or tomorrow day 1? Why can't I just be NORMAL! I had a good laugh to myself at my luck on this one. Seriously...who else does this happen to?!

Vacation Update

So Hurricane Dean did manage to ruin my Cancun vacation. I emailed the concierge at the hotel down there about damages, and here is what he wrote back...way too funny not to share:

Thank you for using the Marriott Virtual Concierge Service. We have received your request for extra towels upon your arrival. Regarding your question about the hotel status let me inform you that everithing if fine, the restaurants are operating normally, except that the beach is gone.

Hmmm....did you catch that last sentence there - everything is normal except, oh yeah, this 1 minor thing about the beach having disappeared!! Me and Bubba laughed so hard when we read this! So needless to say, we have made other plans for our vacation this year. And I'm kind of glad for the way all this worked out. Our 5th anniversary will be celebrated while we're away, which means it is the 2 year anniversary of our ttc and our journey of loss. It has been the longest most draining 2 years of my life, needless to say. So, I need to go some place seriously GOOD. After much travel web surfing we have decided to go to HAWAII. I AM SO DANG EXCITED! We've decided to cash in all of those reward points and frequent flier miles that we're saving for who know when and use them to go over the country, across the pacific to the Big Island. I've never been, and other than the crazy long flight, I know it's going to be fabulous.

Who knew this hurricane could end up being a good thing?

28

I just turned 28. I rationally know that I am still a spry young thing, but a big part of me feels ancient. I feel like I should have accomplished more in life by now. Especially in the baby department. Growing up I always thought I'd start the kid thing young and be a young mom...just like the one I had. Back then I couldn't have imagined be 28 and still childless, but plans shift as life takes it's course. By the time my mom was 28 she had a 9 year old, 7 year old and 3 year old. My oldest sister at 28 had a 4 year old and 6 year old. By the time my younger sister is 28 she will have a 7 year old and a 5 year old...and probably a younger sibling added to the crew. I've had to learn to do my best at not comparing in this department and not to think about things this way, but it's tough not too. This year while I'm 28 (and in my 29th year of life - ugh!), I've decided to write down some goals. For the most part things that I CAN control, but a few things will be hopes and dreams of things NOT in my control, that I'm praying for. This list is pretty random and dull, but I need to write all this stuff down just for my own benefit. And these are in no particular order. Kind of a stream of consciousness thing going on here. Feel free to skip the reading of this one all together.


1 - Have a healthy baby. This goes without saying that my #1 goal for the year is to not only get pregnant, but stay pregnant and know the joys that come when I hold him or her in my arms for the first time. I will settle for being far into a pregnancy that is sticking by the time I turn 29. I'm not too picky here, I just want good things for me and Bubba.

2 - Par a hole. I've been trying to learn the game of golf for 7 years now, and so far the only thing I've perfected is the cute clothes and shoes. This year, I want to play more than 3 times and I want to genuinely par a hole without fudging it.

3 - Master an instrument. I have a habit of starting things and getting eh at them and moving on. First the piano and now the baritone. I am getting the itch to try out a new instrument, but I really need to get good on one of these other ones first.

4 - Be content with my figure. It just gets so old trying to lose weight, fit into clothes and all that stuff. Why is it that we women let this consume us!? I want to reprogram my brain to feel good about myself, whether I'm up 10 pounds, down 10 pounds in a size 2 or a size 8. What the crap is it all going to matter in the long run anyway?

5 - Floss regularly. Should be an easy one but I never seem to want to do it. Too much effort after brushing my teeth. I'd like to please my dental hygienist just once in my lifetime. This may be the year.

6 - Finish house stuff. Been living here for over 2 years now. Only have 1 room painted and am still missing curtains on a few windows. Shame on me. These things will get done.

7 - Visit at least 2 foreign countries I've never been. Right now it's looking like Holland and Belgium are going to be on the list. Kind of random selections, but they are lovely add ons to a trip to Paris that Bubba says he'll do with me this year. This is HUGE since he always said he'd never go to france because of their politics.

8 - Take advantage of the area in which I live. I live just a short drive or train ride from our nations capital and don't take advantage of all the fabulous museums and history that are out there for me to discover. This is the year to expand my horizons.

9 - Go see the Nutcracker Ballet at Christmastime. I've always thought this would be a perfect way to celebrate the holidays. I have plans already to hit this in December when it comes our way.

10 - Be that person that sends cards for every occasion. I have a huge pile of greeting cards for birthdays, thank yous, encouragement, congrats and more that I never send. I am going to stay on top of dates and send written correspondence, not just an e-card for special occasions.

11 - Be a better wife. This one is a hard one, because I seriously think I rock as a wife. I clean, do laundry, offer to cook even though it's not wanted, give up the sex whenever asked, etc., ad naseum. But....pride cometh before the fall, right? I know there are ways to continue to be a better helpmeet to Bubba and I'd like to find them. I'm sure he could list many things, but I'm not stupid enough to ask him - ha!

12 - Really study my Bible. Not just read it. Dig deep into it. I've scratched the surface of this with my early morning small group, but must admit I don't always put in the time I should on this. More often than not I'm playing catch up because I've failed to do what I should be doing every day. The sad thing is I always get SO much of my study times and always walk away feeling blessed for the special moments with God. Why then is it so hard to keep that time sacred?

13 - Take a class towards a graduate degree. I'm not yet saying I think I'll get my Master's, but I really want to take at least one class to explore the idea and see what areas of study I may be interested in. A big regret I have is not going straight into a graduate program after undergrad was done.

14 - Take more pictures. I tend to bring my camera with me places and then never remove it from my bag to capture memories.

15 - Organize photo library. I have boxes of photos ready to go in albums or frames, as well as digital photos that need to have hard copies made. A large undertaking that overwhelms me, but little by little I need to conquer this one.

16 - Expand my reading horizons. I love, love, love to read. It's that escape thing again that is so fabulous. But, I need to expand to topics I don't know about and add some non-fiction in the mix and read more classic literature, not just smut. Please offer me your suggestions to add to the queue.

17 - Speaking of queues, I need to actually watch the movies in my Netflix queue. I have 3 movies out right now. One since April 26th, the 2nd since May 15th and the last since June 28th. What a waste of money!

18 - Say "NO" more often. I have a bad habit of saying yes to everything that comes my way. I hate to miss anything or be left out. But, my life sometimes ends up so cluttered that I can't even breathe or think. Some things are going to have to give for my emotional and mental health.

19 - Win the lottery. Ok...you have to play to win and I don't. And I probably won't start, but it would be really cool to win. Maybe I'll settle for big winnings at the blackjack table.

20 - Get a tattoo. I've been talking about this one since the day I turned 18. I just could never decide on anything that would be so permanent on my body. I'm 99% sure I will do this during the next year. It'll be something with meaning and memory of what we've lost over the past months. Probably something with angels wings. It'll go somewhere that most will never see, but I will and it will have deep meaning every time I see it.

21 - Figure out what to do with past pregnancy paraphernalia. This is a tough one. I have ultrasound pics for 2 out of my 3 pregnancies on my fridge. I can't seem to take them down even though I know I should. It makes people uncomfortable when they come to my house and I know these pictures need a better resting place. I just haven't figured out where to put them. I also have an array of positive pee sticks floating around in a basket in my bathroom. Two or three from each pregnancy. I for some morbid reason can't seem to part with them. I have some ideas that involve possible burning, burying or rituals, but alas, they still stay in that darn basket for me to see every day as I get ready. I know these 2 things here seem like small things, but this is probably going to be my hardest goal to conquer. I'm sure these things will be blog topic all their own one day.

22 - Use stockpiled gift cards. I have an amazing stack of unused gift cards just laying around. I haven't used them for a multitude of reasons from forgetting them when I go out, wanting to save them for something special or because they were given to me by someone who didn't know my tastes therefore, I don't go to the place and don't use the card. But...this year I am going to use every single last one...even it it only has $2 on it!

23 - Take dance lessons. Bubba and I have been talking about this one since before we were married and gosh darn it, this year we're going to do it! We want to learn all those old, classic dances and be that fun couple on the dance floor that can tango, swing, waltz, etc., So this winter in his down time we're going to finally do this one.

24 - Get a bikini wax. This one has always scared me just a little. I get my eyebrows waxed regularly but that doens't involve wearing a paper thong and having complete stranger put hot wax on my na-na. But...the time has come to give this one a shot. Maybe soon before our trip to Cancun? We'll see....

25 - Run a half marathon. I ran cross country in high school. I had a love/hate relationship with it. I hated it while I was doing it, but LOVED how I felt afterwards. And something about the crisp fall weather each year, always makes me want to start running again. I've done it off and on in the past 15 years, and I'd love to be on an ON again. I've actually gone out for runs a few times in the past weeks and it's been lovely. I have always wanted to run a 1/2 marathon just to say I did it. There is one at disney world in January that I think would be a lovely one to do. All I have to do now is start training.

26 - Stop living my life by "what if i get pregnant". The past 2+ years it has been impossible to plan anything long term. I live in what if's and therefore don't plan anything fabulous. Because of this I've missed out on cool trips, taking classes, training for a marathon and more. I'm not gonna do this anymore! I'm gonna plan fabulous things, and if a trip is planned, maybe purchase trip insurance just in case ;-). See! I can't even really plan without thinking of it! ARGH!

27 - Learn grammar rules. It's just sad to go through all of elementary, jr. high and high school and then college and still not know some grammar basics. I always get hung up on where apostrophe's go, possessive rules, and all those exceptions to rules, comma usage, etc., etc,. I would like to learn these and retain this info for the improvment of myself.

28 - Not beat myself up if I do none of these things this year. Inevitably a third of these will get checked off, a third will get 1/2 way done then never completed and the last third won't even be touched. But, I will not be hard on myself if I don't accomplish these things because LIFE IS TOO SHORT!

Grrr!!

Here comes Hurrican Dean....heading to Cancun....where Bubba and I are supposed to go in less than 2 weeks. That is if our hotel is left standing. I am SO not pleased!

Coming Attractions

I LOVE movies. Love the experience of going getting my popcorn and soda and having a couple hours of sweet escape. One of my favorite parts of the movie going experience is the previews of movies to come. I get so excited about a good comedy, a good romance or a good creepy, scary movie. Since I do not have anything concrete to blog right now, I thought I'd give you my list of coming attractions. I have so many blogs floating in my brain or 1/2 written and saved in my dashboard. They are coming, but just aren't quite there yet. You know how that goes. So..here are blog topics to come:

1 - Jane Austen
2 - 28 things to do while I'm 28 (being as I just celebrated my b'day yesterday)
3 - Annoying mannerisms I'm discovering I have
4 - My entire baby lusting story in a nutshell for readers who don't know me

For now, I leave you with a movie preview and recommendation. On Saturday Bubba and I went to see the movie "Death at a Funeral". It was fabulously hilarious. Any movie that combines british accents, dark humor, crazy family dynamics, accidentally ingested hallucinogenic drugs and a gay midget is a must see.

Click here to view on you tube.

I'd rather write a paper

Given the choice in school between taking a test or writing a paper, I'll take the paper every time. I hate tests. I hate studying. I hate taking them. I hate waiting to find out my score. Now papers on the other hand, I always loved. Give me a topic and some time and I like to research, dig in and put down my thoughts on the subject. With papers, what you put in is what you get out. You put in time and effort and it pays off with a good grade. Tests are not always as clear cut. Time and effort don't always equal the result you were hoping for.

Fertility tests are no fun for this same reason. We've put in the time and the effort over the past 2+ years. Time has been spent charting ovulation, going to doctor's appointments, being pregnant, not being pregnant, crying. Effort has been put forth to point of exhaustion. The constant effort of having to have planned sex - so no fun as anyone who's "tried" for any length of time knows. Effort to just get through the motions of life during this crazy ride of baby dreaming. I'm doing the work....I'm not a slacker!! (any "what about bob" fans out there?) But despite my best "A" student efforts and time, the tests are just out of my control. Time and effort do NOT always equal desired results. Being a control freak, I SO hate this.

So all this to say, we are in another round of tests after our 1st appt. with our fertility specialist. We had a very good appt. with her and really like her. She was thorough and went through all the reasons for recurrent loss against the tests that can be done for that reason. My ob/gyn was actually quite thorough in his testing, which is good to know. I have a crush on him and would hate to have to not like him for not taking care of me :-). So we just have a few more tests to do over the next couple of weeks to have a clear picture of what we may or may not be dealing with in front of us. So for now we wait. But I be a professional at that "W" word these days, so no worries there.

Now if only studying hard or an all-nighter or two would make a good score...